Bear and Bunny

A bear and a bunny are sitting in a forest taking a shit. The bear leans over to the bunny and asks, “Do you ever have the problem of shit sticking to your fur?” The bunny says, “No, I don’t think so.” So the bear grabs the bunny and wipes his ass.

CIA

Three guys were interviewing for a job at the CIA.  The interviewer says to the gentlemen that their wives and a handgun are in the next room and to prove their loyalty to the agency they have to kill their wives.

The first guy says, “no way” and leaves.  The second guy walk into the room, sees his wife, and says, “forget it”.

The third guy walks into the room and closes the door behind him.  A few moments later the interviewer hears some shuffling and the sound of glass breaking.  He runs into the room to find only the man and no wife.

He asks where she is.  The guy says, “some asshole put blanks in the gun so I threw the bitch out the window”.

The Evils of Alcohol

Bob was trying to teach his son the evils of alcohol.
He put a worm into a glass of water and another into a glass of whiskey.
The worm in the water lived while the one in the whiskey quickly curled up and died.
"OK Boy" said Bob, "what have you learned about alcohol?"
"Well dad, if you drink alcohol you won't have worms."

Q. Why dont blind men skydive?
A. Because it scares the shit out of the dog.

The Little Old Lady

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped... Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease.  It's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items..."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

Amazing simple home remedies:

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. A mousetrap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

4. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives.  Then you'll be afraid to cough.

5. You only need two tools in life; WD-40 and duct tape.  If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.  If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

6. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Some people are like Slinkies; not really good for anything but they make you smile when you push them down the stairs.